Starbucks Detox: Day One

One of the best Starbucks quotes of all time, although not at all related to the topic at hand, was spoken by Tom Hanks, as Joe Fox, in the movie You've Got Mail:

"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino."

Hi, my name is Nanci, and I am addicted to Starbucks.

Hi, Nanci

I adore Starbucks, and have ever since we were first introduced in 1999, in Boston, MA.

You see, I was never a huge coffee fan. While I hugely appreciated the morning jolt of caffeine, coffee, much like beer, in an acquired taste. And much like beer, I find coffee to be mostly functional. Allow me to explain.

I don't drink beer because I crave the taste. Actually, I don't drink beer. I will only ever drink beer if I have a severe need to be drunk and there is no other alcoholic beverage available.

Beer = functional.

Similarly, I don't drink coffee because I crave the taste. I drink coffee because I have become dependent upon the influx of caffeine in the morning. Thus, I have never understood the drinkers of decaffeinated coffee. (or O'Douls for that matter, if we bring beer back into the picture.)

But Starbucks, oh wonderful Starbucks, took the coffee taste out of coffee! That is, if you venture away from the standard brew, drip and perk, and allow yourself to wander the world of lattes, mochas, flavored syrups and foam! Now, in addition to getting my requisite morning vibe of caffeine, I also get to drink what, in essence, tastes like a hot, melted cup of mint chocolate chip ice cream. This may not sound good to you, but, may I just say, 'yum squared.'

At first I was only drinking Starbucks on the weekends, as a special treat. Then I started going on Friday's, because Friday is the day for all things naughty. Before I knew it, Starbucks was a morning routine. The baristas knew me by name, and simply asked, "The usual?" whenever I approached the counter. It was bliss. I had never had a "usual" before. They even noticed my trends. When it was the season for Pumpkin Spice, I drank Pumpkin Spice, until the sad day came that the flavor was out of season, and I returned to my trusty peppermint white mocha.

I didn't think it could get much worse after that, but oh boy, did it ever.

After a year or so I found myself needing more of a jump to keep me going in the morning. I discovered that I could add shots of espresso to my usual drink. Oh rapture!

My entire Starbucks experience was nothing short of wonderful, except for the day I realized just how much money I was giving to the Starbucks empire. It made me want to weep. It was insane that one person could spend so much money on coffee. It had to be stopped.

I made a painful decision. I would put myself through Starbucks detox. (It was either that or make the cats get a job, and what was the likelihood of that? They were both lazy with very little skill other than being adorable and lizard hunting. Which, on later thought, there may be a market for down here in lizard central.) I had quit smoking, how much harder could this be? It was only coffee for Christ's sake.

I dragged my coffeemaker out of storage and cleaned it. I made my final (fingers crossed) trip to Starbucks and purchased a bag of ground coffee and a bottle of their peppermint mocha flavored syrup. During that week's grocery shop I purchased filters, half and half, sugar, travel cups. I could do this!

I had my first cup of non-Starbucks coffee this morning.

You know what?

Complete disaster.

I really thought I could replicate the wondrousness. However, instead of thick, frothy, melted mint chocolate chip ice cream bliss, I ended up with bitter coffee flavored hot water with a strange aftertaste that sort of resembled mint chocolate.

Ick.

This is going to take some work.